Hip-Hop is More Important Than Poetry

(or at least modern poetry)
Discuss.

Diagnosing Andrew Shirvell

(First, I apologize for the incredibly long delay since the last post. Thanks.)

As most people already know, Andrew Shirvell, the young assistant attorney general of Michigan, is in a lot of trouble for his blog Chris Armstrong Watch (which is now open only to invited readers; I checked). The purpose of this blog is to defame Chris Armstrong, the University of Michigan student body president. In a recent interview with Anderson Cooper, he attempted to defend his actions. I won’t waste time explaining what is wrong with what he said. The reason I am writing is to raise the issue of Shirvell’s psychological health. There is much I don’t know about Shirvell–how he came to be aware of Armstrong, what prior relationship they may have had, how long his obsession with Armstrong has gone on, etc. However, it seems to me very unlikely that someone not suffering from a mild dissociative disorder could have the stamina to maintain this screed for so long, particularly since many of Shirvell’s claims about Armstrong are both specific and unfounded. Even the most charismatic and powerful student body president at even a large school like the University of Michigan wouldn’t have the ability to be dangerous enough to warrant this much attention from an adult politician. For whatever reason, Shirvell has fixated on Armstrong. Let’s get him some help! I don’t know if Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would work well at first, but perhaps after a moderate but targeted round of medication and group therapy, we could help this poor man get on the road to recovery.

Gobble D. Gook

“The Secret” in creepy, quasi-cultish documentary form

Enjoy.  THE LAW OF “ATTRACTION” APPLIES TO THOUGHT, MAGICALLY!  AND IT DOESN’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT! The abuses of physics here are simply stunning, also. Not only metaphorically does it compare positive thinking to some vague concept of gravity (maybe?), but it also says you are literally a magnet attracting stuff. And it calls upon quantum physics and stifles doubt by saying “Oh, it’s like electricity. Nobody understands electricity, but yet we enjoy the benefits of it.” !!!! You also are attracting car accidents if you have them, because you are complaining and your thoughts make car accidents happen. Not, apparently, drunk drivers or whatever. Actually, I can’t even begin to explain how many things about this are kooky, intellectually shoddy, spiritually bankrupt, and dumb.

Comments?

Con Man Cookies

Great Wall of Cookies

Hello my beloved nonexistent readers.  I humbly apologize for my almost monthlong absence.  I am still working on the linguistics article, but I promise it will be up soon!  It’s just that I’m still gathering data and all…

Well, enough of that.  I have a new recipe today!  It’s cribbed from the classic Toll House Cookies recipe, but with a few adjustments to make it more texturally interesting.  I have dubbed the new creatures Con Man Cookies because the small amount of crunchier, grainier goodies, plus the delicacy of the shortening, all help in conning the hapless eater into thinking that this indulgent cookie is somehow “healthy.”  Bah!

Con Man Cookies!

—Makes 30-40 largish cookies, depending on how much of the dough you eat

Dry Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups high-quality self-rising flour

1/4 cup whole-wheat flour, the coarser the grind, the better

1/4 cup pecan meal

1/3 to scant 1/2 cup quick-cooking oats

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

dash salt

Wet Ingredients:

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened to room temperature

1/2 cup all-vegetable shortening, also at room temperature

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup brown sugar

OR–instead of using 1/2 white and 1/2 brown sugar, you can use 1 1/2 cups white sugar and add a teaspoon of molasses

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large eggs

The Good Stuff

1 12-ounce package of semisweet chocolate chips (2 cups).  If you are a dark chocolate lover, of course feel free to use 2 cups of dark chocolate chunks.

Approx. 3/4 cups coarsely chopped Southern pecans

You might also try some dried cherries, if you are into that.

Procedures

Preheat oven to 360 degrees Fahrenheit.  Stir together dry ingredients in bowl until well incorporated.  Blend together wet ingredients (except for eggs) until creamy, or just until it’s beginning to look fluffy and be light in weight for its volume.  Then add eggs, one at a time, beating for about 30 seconds at medium-low speed after each one.  Stir down mixture, then gradually beat in flower at medium-low until mixture is well incorporated and creamy.  Stir in nuts and chocolate, then briskly beat the mixture for just a couple of seconds to homogenize everything.  Now drop by rounded very large teaspoons/scant tablespoons on ungreased cookie sheets, keeping cookies at least 2 inches apart (unless you want them to run together to have an excuse to eat the “defective” ones yourself, straight out of the oven).  Pop into the oven for 10-11 minutes, or until edges are golden brown and tops are just beginning to brown.  The insides will be gooey but the outsides will be crisp with that particular mealy crunch that only whole grain materials can provide.  Let rest on cookie sheets for a couple of minutes or until dry enough to cool on racks.  Then cool on racks, of course.  Gratefully consume with milk or beverage of choice.

Visions of ice-cold milk loom large in your future!

….

Ta-dah!

Vampire Melons

I will write a longer, linguisticky article soon, but until then, feast your eyes on this:

Vampire watermelons and pumpkins

This is very satisfying to me, not only because it’s weird, but also because it supports my love of all things Bunnicula.  Best quotation from the article:

According to tradition, watermelons or any kind of pumpkin kept more than ten days or after Christmas will become a vampire, rolling around on the ground and growling to pester the living. People have little fear of the vampire pumpkins and melons because of the creatures’ lack of teeth.

This makes one wonder how they count as vampires.  They can’t suck blood, and they’re not rooted so they can’t drain blood from the ground.  Do they just live forever?  One wonders.

What I Love About Berries, and Introducing the Pineberry

Berries have always been special for me.  They always represented a kind of romance, anticipation, a beneficence of nature.  My stepfather taught me at a young age to recognize which berries were good to eat, and I loved to roam in the woods and scan the roadsides for dewberries, huckleberries, wild blueberries, and the like.  In fact, starting in late winter, I would take daily walks to monitor the progress of the buds, then the flowers, then the tiny green fruits and eventually the ripe berries.  I learned that bramble fruits were related to roses.  Did you know that blackberry flowers are fragrant?  They are, but you have to be very close to them to tell.  They are tiny flowers, and you have to pluck them a petal at a time.

At any rate, I felt an odd kinship with these ramblers and bramblers.  Sometimes I even had dreams/fantasies about giant berries ripening early.  Though my “childhood’s faith” has somewhat given way to more adult horticultural emotions, I still sense something magical in the contemplation of a small, sweet, jewel-like unit of fruit, a tangy and chubby ovum, nubile and petite.  Black raspberries epitomize these characteristics.  I think they are my favorite fruit.  My stepfather is growing a few of them at his farm, but let’s face it, Northwest Florida isn’t the ideal place to rear cane fruits.  However, a few precious, tiny berries have ripened in their first yield (as I am sure you know, many strawberries and raspberries have two or more harvests per year, one in early summer and one in early fall).  They are so delicate and rich.  They are an expression of the botanical divine.

But now there are even more berries!  Wonderful scientists have created heretofore unthinkable berries–though said scientists would certainly frown at my free-and-easy use of the term “berry,” which, botanically, includes tomatoes but not raspberries. Prescriptivist though I am, I opt for a more emotional and anthropological definition of of the berry. Anyway, these new “berries” are quite fantastical. Their amazing variety gratifies me. One fabulous new berry is the pineberry, a chic little item that looks like a white strawberry with red seeds, but tastes, apparently, like pineapple. Or like unripe strawberries, as this article laments. It also explains that they aren’t really new, but who cares.  Look at it!  It’s so neat!  But that’s not all.  There are also white and yellow strawberries.  There are also salmonberries (orangey raspberry-looking things); tayberries, loganberries, and boysenberries, which are all closely related; and all sorts of fascinating wild berries to drool over.  I made jam with mystery berries, blackberries, and blueberries, but it did not serve to slake my lust.  Any other interesting berry news or recipes?

Sources say they don't taste like snozzberries

What would you like to know about Paul Wolfowitz?

To me, Paul Wolfowitz is one of the most interesting people alive today. I would very much like to write his biography. Is there anything you would like to know about him? I have lots of questions myself–the man is very enigmatic and complex, it seems.

Three Wolfowitz Moon, my elegant creation